


it's nothing but natural to wonder

by haipollai



Category: Captain America
Genre: At the gravesite, F/M, Moving On, saying goodbye
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-03
Updated: 2013-01-03
Packaged: 2017-11-23 11:24:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/621603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haipollai/pseuds/haipollai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"I'm sorry," he said to the grave, feeling silly, talking to nothing. She was there, under the ground but she wasn't really there. Steve had no doubt that a woman as strong at Peggy was in heaven and no matter what he had seen, or maybe because of everything he had seen, he had to believe heaven existed. He had seen too many deaths and he refused to believe they went into nothingness. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>And here was one more. Another person he had lost.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's nothing but natural to wonder

Steve stood in front of the grave. It was new, there wasn't even a headstone yet. There were some flowers marking the top of the grave, barely more then a week old. The grounds keeper must have determined they didn't need to be removed just yet.

"I'm sorry," he said to the grave, feeling silly, talking to nothing. She was there, under the ground but she wasn't really there. Steve had no doubt that a woman as strong at Peggy was in heaven and no matter what he had seen, or maybe because of everything he had seen, he had to believe heaven existed. He had seen too many deaths and he refused to believe they went into nothingness. 

And here was one more. Another person he had lost.

At least he knew she had lived a full life. There had been someone who had loved her, who had left the flowers.

He had been told about the funeral but it felt wrong to go. It was a service he didn't really belong in anymore. He hadn't even been able to pick up a phone to call her. If she ever found out he was back it was through the TV. She deserved better than him. He took some comfort from what he'd read in her file. She had a full life. A husband, a child, family. Steve's grateful that she was able to have all of that, even if part of him is angry and jealous that it wasn't with him. The first woman to love him, despite knowing everything about him.

He took a deep breath and knelt down, not caring about the damp patches on his slacks.

"I'm sorry," he said again. Somehow, being closer to the ground makes it all feel a little less silly. Only a little. "I know I'm supposed to say something but I…" He stopped to take a deep breath to steady his voice. "I don't know what," he whispered. "It's been so long. Everything's changed." He looked around the cemetary, at the other solitary stones standing amidst neatly cut grass. He could make out one or two other visitors, but no one around him. "Not everything I guess."

He looked down at the flowers in his hands.

"I don't even know if you could hear me. Never was very good at talking to you. And that was before decades of being frozen. Bucky would find this hysterical."

Very carefully, he set the flowers down by the headstone and rocked back onto his heels.

"He liked you, you know," he said. Tears pricked his eyes but he refused to let them fall. "Told me once," a smile forced itself to his lips. "Told me once, that if he had to give me up to anyone, he was happy it would be you."

He had to stop and take breath before he choked on the emotions he was trying to hold back.

"I remember our kiss," he whispered into the wind. "I wanted to ask if you did too, or if you'd found a better partner. I saw the file of course. So I guess you did." He dug around in one pocket, finding one other thing he'd brought with him. "I guess these ones are out of date. I don't want to be presumptuous. I should have called, I should have flown over here before you…" The word 'died' caught in this throat, strangled him with its finality.

His dog tags dangled from his fingers and very carefully he dug a small hole. The dirt came up easily in his hands and he lowered the dog tags into the hole. Grass hid any sign of the hole as soon as he covered it back up.

"I've lost so many people I've loved, Peggy." He stared at the dirt under his fingernails. "I was terrified of losing you again. I couldn't face it and I guess I was a coward. I'm sorry." He ran his hand over his eyes, noticing his tears for the first time. "I'm sorry all we shared was war."

He stood up slowly, suddenly feeling impossibly old and tired. He turned back to his car, startled to see a woman resting against it. She straightened as he came closer and Steve wished he had thought to arm himself. She didn't look armed, but he knew better then to be fooled by that. There was something in the way she held herself, some hint of potential danger.

"Steve Rogers?" She said when he was close enough she wouldn't have to shout.

She's dressed all in black and her accent is American. "Can I help you?"

He stopped just out of arm's reach and all she does is stick out a hand. "Agent Sharon Carter, was told I could find you here." Steve wasn't sure which part of that to question first, her title or her surname. "Hill told me you would be here, and since my flight isn't for another twelve hours."

"Hill? You're SHIELD?" He couldn't help the slight tensing in his back. He knew they kept tabs on him, but the physical proof of it wasn't welcome.

She gave him a loose salute. "Sorry, I should…Peggy was my great-aunt." Her stance shifted slightly as she held out a hand and he was suddenly reminded sharply of Peggy. He wasn't sure why, maybe it was the way she seemed to demand respect. "I'm just here to hear some war stories from your side of it, that's all Captain. But I can leave if I'm intruding."

"No," he glanced back at Peggy's grave and then at the woman in front of him. "Maybe…we can, if you want, we can get lunch?"

She moved, walked around to stand at the passenger side door and waited with a cautious smile. Steve unlocked the doors and as he slipped in, he realized there was a small smile on his lips.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Esperanza Spalding's Smile Like That.


End file.
